Why men and women can't be friends

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally: Why not?

Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?

Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry: Guess not.

Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

"When Harry Met Sally" is one of my favorite movies of all time.  And I LOVE the conversation above. Not only is it hilarious, but it is also SO TRUE.  I give young single girls this advice all the time.  You can't be "best friends" with a guy.  One of you is going to end up having more-than-platonic feelings for the other one.  It's just what happens.  It may not ever lead to anything, especially if the feelings aren't reciprocated.  But it will affect the friendship, and not in a good way.  For people in relationships, whether it's dating or marriage, this becomes even more crucial.  When you're married, it's not just that men and women can't be friends... they shouldn't be friends.  I don't care how unattracted you think you are are to someone... you spend enough one-on-one time with them and share enough intimate moments together (deep conversations, coffee dates, etc) - something more will develop, I guarantee it.  This is why Shane and I have very specific guidelines about how we interact with those of the opposite sex.  It's a way to protect our marriage.  But that is a whole separate discussion (which I may write about later).

Does this mean I don't have any male friends at all?  No.  In fact, if I were the screenwriter for "When Harry Met Sally" I'd have to modify Harry's statement just slightly.  I would've written: "Men and women can never be best friends."  Because I do believe men and women can share a superficial-level friendship.  There are many men that I would call my friends.  But I wouldn't go hang out with them one-on-one, and I wouldn't talk to them about my marriage.  Same goes for Shane.  When we hang out with friends of the opposite sex, there must be someone else present - either our own spouse, that person's spouse, or (if they are single) another friend.  Without these boundaries, you are playing with fire.

So what if both people are single?  Well, you don't have to worry about protecting a relationship or marriage.  But you do have to think about the friendship.  If the feelings are not reciprocal, then will your friendship be able to get past the awkwardness of unrequited love?  Or will it always be weird?  And what about when one of you starts dating someone else?  Are you willing to adjust your friendship and put some boundaries in place?  When I met Shane, he was very good friends with a sweet and beautiful girl.  Of course, I was suspicious of the friendship and wondered if one of them might be attracted to the other.  He assured me that was not the case... but he also recognized that the friendship needed to change somewhat (and so did she).  They could no longer text each other all the time or hang out one-on-one.  That meant so much to me, and it established a healthy pattern that we carried into our marriage.  What if he had continued to hang out with her all the time?  Or what if I had continued to go out drinking with my guy friends?  Human nature being what it is, I suspect we would've had trust issues.  And since trust is the most important element of a good relationship, that would've been a bad way for us to start off.

I'm not trying to be preachy or judgmental.  Just sharing my thoughts on the matter.

Oh, and there is one exception to the rule.  I do have one best friend of the opposite sex... his name is Shane.  :)