Intimacy vs. exclusivity

Recently I met with some girlfriends for coffee.  There were only four of us, and it was such a nice time of intimate conversation.  In fact, we enjoyed it so much we decided to make it a monthly event.  At one point, the question was raised about whether we were being "exclusive" by not inviting other ladies.

In other words... were we forming a clique?

We certainly didn't want to be those clique-ish mean girls who were too cool to invite others to our special circle.  If you knew these ladies, you would know they are definitely not those mean girls who intentionally leave people out.  But we have each dealt with our own friendship issues, watching cliques form in churches and feeling excluded.  I personally have dealt with insecurities when it comes to friendships, wondering why I wasn't included in certain groups or whether my friendship was as valuable as someone else's.

And then there is Facebook.  How many articles have already been written on the pitfalls of social media?  I can't tell you how many times I would see pictures or wall posts, and I'd wonder "Whey aren't they inviting me to that event" or "Why aren't they posting on my wall or commenting on my pictures?"  Facebook can be so dangerously misleading.  But that's a topic for another day.

My point is, I understand what it is like to feel left out.  I am very conscious of that.  So I would never intentionally want to make someone else feel that way.  In fact, I think in the past I've taken that to the other end of the spectrum and I've tried to be too inclusive.  I remember planning a birthday party with the original thought that it would be a small party, just close friends.  Well before I knew it, there were over 20 people invited.  Because I couldn't invite Sue without inviting Sally... and oh what about Jane because she knows Sally too?  You know how that goes?  And pretty soon, it's no longer a small group setting.  For an introvert like me, that is not ideal.  I like small groups.  I like being able to really get into deep conversation with a few close friends.

The thing I have learned is this.  Inclusivity comes with a price:  Loss of intimacy.

This is why many bible studies try to stay limited to 8-10 participants.  Once you get larger than that, it's just too big.  There's not enough of a chance for each person to contribute to conversation.  The outspoken people tend to dominate the conversation, and the quieter ones (like me) become wallflowers.  This is fine for certain situations (classrooms, church gatherings, etc); but it doesn't foster relationships.  I have found that the closest relationships come from intimate one-on-one time together.

So my friends and I decided to keep meeting for coffee, and approach it with open hearts and minds.  We are not opposed to inviting other friends, but will allow God to lead us in that.

This is also a good lesson for me, as one who has struggled with friendship insecurities.  When I see a group of friends getting together without me, or see pictures of them on Facebook... I need to remind myself that perhaps they are seeking intimacy just like I am with my group.  It doesn't say anything about my value as a friend or person.